Christmas Cake

2 cups of flour.
2 cups of dried fruit.
1 cup brown sugar.
8 oz nuts.
1 tsp salt.
4 eggs.
Juice of 1 lemon.
1 ltr pure malt whiskey.

Method

1. Sample the whiskey to check quality.
   
2. Take one large bowl.
   
3. Check whiskey again, to be sure its of the highest quality.
   
4. Pour 1 level cup and drink.
   
5. Repeat.
   
6. Find the table with the ingredients on it.
   
7. Turn on the electric mixer and beat the butter in a large fluffy bowl.
   
8. Add the sugar and beat again.
   
9. Make sure the whiskey is OK.
   
10. Cry another tup.
    
11. Turn off the mixer.
    
12. Break the bowl, add to the eggs and chuck in the dried fruit.
    
13. Mix on the turner again.
    
14. If the fried fruit gets stuck in the mixerer pry it loose with a screwdriver.
    
15. Sample the whiskey to check the tontistancy.
    
16. sift 2 cups of salt or something, whatever you can find.
    
17. Grease the oven.
    
18. Turn cake tin to 350degsF and don't forget to beat off the turner.
    
19. Do something or other with the melon juice. Who cares???
    
20. Decorate the kitchen with the flour, throw the bowl out of the window.
    
21. Finish off the whiskey.
    
22. Go to bed.